Despite all of the woo-woo science on how to best raise children there are still basic fundamentals about parenting that adults don’t understand. Chief among them is that kids are totally incompetent. From having to eat with a fork to not punching the dog in the kidneys, the list of impossible tasks can send your developmentally incapable child into an emotional tailspin. The most difficult task of all, based a large sample size of my own personal data, is putting shoes on in a timely manner.
Adults forget that they’ve had decades to master putting shoes on. Malcolm Gladwell famously theorized that it took 10,000 hours to become world class at something. How many parents can say they’ve given their kids the proper amount of training? We’re shoving them out of an airplane mid-flight with no parachute. It’s sick.
To rectify this injustice, I have developed a robust two hour process to make sure your developmentally challenged little angel gets everything they need to get their shoes on exactly on time.
Step 1: Set Expectations
Always give the child a heads up exactly two hours from the time you need them to have their shoes on. Since young children aren’t smart enough to use smartphones you’ll need to give this heads up in person. For example, if you need your child to be ready to leave the house at 4:30pm for a 5pm gymnastics class, take some personal time off from work, drive down to your child’s school and demand to see them. Don’t warn the school that you’re coming. When you show up unannounced they will falsely sense something is terribly wrong and will rush your child to you, which is a real time saver.
Step 2: Reinforce Expectations
Once you’ve Set Expectations, it’s important to keep them in the forefront of your child’s mind. Set up reminders where you know they’ll be seen and feel free to get creative! I like to make an impression by hiding a talking, motion-sensing halloween zombie in their mudroom cubby with a custom pre-recorded message that screams, “Shoes on in an hour allllaaaagghhhhllhhhgghgh!”
One time, before an early morning road trip where we were leaving at 6am (and, of course, after waking him up to Set Expectations at 4am) I whispered in my son’s ear, “Shoes on in one hour, b!#ch.” This method allowed his subconscious to do all of the work while I was in the clear since it isn’t swearing at your kids if they’re asleep.
Step 3: Highlight the Consequences
Let your child know what will happen to them if they don’t have their shoes on in time. It doesn’t have to be true, it just needs to inspire fear. This is where spending a lot of time with your kids really pays off because you’ll know exactly how to push their buttons. My daughter is afraid of strange men with beards, so I like to tell her that Arnold from the back room of the dry cleaner may have to sleep over in her room if she doesn’t have her shoes on in time.
Step 4: Ensure Comprehension
Make sure your child has heard what you’ve said to them by having them repeat it back to you. Your child should be able to look you in the eye and say, “If I don’t have my shoes on by 10:30 you’ll be forced to feed my favorite tights to the shredder.” Or whatever.
Step 5: Threaten Them
After completing Steps 1 through 4 your child will definitely not have their shoes on. As I said before, kids have a hard time with literally everything. At this point you have put in enough work to be able to credibly start threatening them while – and this is critical – blaming them for you having to do it.
I like to start with threatening to take away the things they love most, like a nerf gun, the iPad or dinner. If that doesn’t work I get deeply psychological. I bought a very realistic-looking replica pistol, one that was commonly used back in the 1800s. Because it is such an old-looking gun that nobody uses anymore coupled with the fact that I oddly pull it out from being loose in my front side pocket they know implicitly that I’m not really going to shoot them. In fact, you probably won’t ever have to acknowledge the gun. Just pull it out with your finger on the trigger and let it hang by your side as you slowly ask your child, through clenched teeth and with a shaky voice, to please put their shoes on. Saying please shows you’re willing to be civil despite the incomprehensible rage you are justifiably feeling due to their poor performance (and not your rage issues).
That’s it. If your child still doesn’t have their shoes on at this point you either skipped a step or should have never had children in the first place. If you’re remotely capable and religiously follow this advice you can get your 10,000 hours in something like 2,500 days. That’s just under 7 short years.
Good luck!
-MG
