As a tsunami of coronavirus overtakes the planet it’s important for all of us to engage in some regular self-care to stay sane. Sure, it feels good to get hammered on cheap whiskey or gorge on chicken parm, but there’s only so much of that type of escapism you can do before you’re a sloppy shell of a human being.
Taking time to relax, however, is only half of the solution. The other half is expelling the pent up rage from being completely overwhelmed with zero help from our elected officials. This is where screaming into a fu@king pillow comes in handy. Here are a few of the things I like to do to keep me going:
- Take a Warm Bath – Tell your family you need 30 minutes to yourself. Lock the bathroom door. Plug the bathtub drain and turn on the warm water. Pour in some restorative lavender oil. Play some soft, relaxing music. Slip into the warm tub with a glass of wine perched on the floor next to you. Then grab a pillow, lean forward and fu@king scream into it .
- Exercise – It is a scientific fact that exercise helps to reduce stress. There are few exercises that provide more benefit than the good ol’ classic push-up. Do 3 sets of 10 (or more, if you can), but with one slight modification. When you get in the starting plank position place a pillow directly below your face. As you lower yourself to the ground, replace your exhale with a scream of bloody fu@king murder into the pillow.
- Laugh – There is no doubt there are therapeutic benefits to laughing. There’s even a thing called Laughter Yoga. But what I’d recommend is to share your laughter with your community by walking the streets, laughing wildly at everybody and everything. You’ll show people that it’s okay to see the humor in things, even when times are desperately bad. And when you get tired of laughing, just raise that pillow you are carrying around up to your face and motherfu@kin’ scream right into that bit@h like a movie villain falling down an endless pit to his death.
- Make Some Art – Nothing stirs the human soul quite like making art. All you need is the useless crap you have at home. I like to take all of the old hoodies and sweaters I no longer wear and throw them against our front yard fence to see how they land (think splattering paint against a canvas). When I’m done I set my phone timer and scream into a pillow for 5 minutes straight. You don’t have to do this alone, either. After a recent solo session I could tell our neighbors wanted to join in but were too shy to ask. When I was done screaming I immediately turned, tears streaming down my red, contorted face, and saw them watching me wide-eyed out of their window. Just before I could wave them over to join me they quickly darted away. Maybe next time, friends.
- Garden – Who cares if it’s been below freezing for weeks, it’s time to connect to fu@king nature. Rent a jackhammer or some other hardcore construction equipment and start tearing your yard apart. Between manic drilling/digging sessions, stop for a few seconds to scream into a pillow then get right back to it. Once you’ve gotten at least 6 feet deep start throwing handfulls of seeds and random plants in the hole until you’ve covered the bottom. If you want to combine activities and laugh maniacally while you throw all this sh!t in the hole that’s a great idea. Then run some water from a hose into there for at least 90 minutes, periodically spraying anyone who might walk by and not be minding their own go@damn business. With 90 minutes of water in there you won’t have to water for months since you’ve done it all up front (smart). Shove all the dirt back into the hole with your hands or push it in using your back. When done, fall into a deep, restorative sleep. If any certified mental health professionals wake you up early it’s my opinion that you’d be wholly within your rights to bit@ch her out for treading all over your new flower bed. Then tell the judge you were justified in demanding an apology as you hold the supposed mental health “professional” in a full nelson. You worked really hard on this and she was rude.
Ok guys, I have to go check in with my probation officer now. Good luck!
-MG
Practicing now! 😂