Like it or not, stay-at-home parents are expected to cook all of the food. Everyone seems to think we aren’t adults with personal ambitions, but rather have all fu@king day to look up, decide on, shop for and prepare a never-ending cascade of new, healthy and delicious meals. Heaven forbid anyone eat for fuel instead of pleasure.
Here’s a stupid fu@king recipe for easy, relatively healthy meatballs that should shut everybody up long enough for you to get a go%damn second alone in the bathroom.
Annoying Sh!t You’ll Need:
- 1 lb. Ground Beef
- 1 Egg
- Some amount of cooked broccoli (we’ll get into how much later. Just take a second to get your big girl pants on now since you are going to encounter some uncertainty)
- Some Salt (see above)
- Olive Oil Spray
- Mixing Bowl
- Baking pan
- Blender
Go%damn Directions:
1. Cut open the ground beef and put it in a mixing bowl. Crack the egg into the bowl in a way that won’t get a bunch of shell in there. If you don’t know how to do either of these things stop reading now and order in Chinese.
2. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Tell your kids you’re thinking about stuffing them in there if they don’t stop fighting.
3. Throw, yes throw, the cooked broccoli into a blender. Nobody “places” the broccoli into the blender when they’re cooking for a bunch of a$$holes who they’ve been locked in a house with for months. Blend the broccoli until it’s finely chopped.
If you can’t figure this out with a picture to help you it’s time to admit that freezing up like this is probably why you weren’t promoted by Ted.
4. Now you’re wondering how much broccoli you should have put in. You probably want an answer like 1/2 cup or some bull$hit like that. Fine, do that, just get off of my back. I usually put some in my hand until the Broccoli Fairy whispers “enough” into my ear and then I blend it and throw it in the bowl:
If you put too little in maybe you nullify whatever nutritional benefit you get by adding it in the first place. If you put too much in, the meatballs will seep an uncomfortable amount of liquid and probably not hold together very well. Act accordingly, Magoo.
5. Add a big pinch of salt. How much is a big pinch? How the fu@k should I know? I can’t decide how salty you like your food or tell you how concerned you should be about the amount of salt you eat. Is it 1 Tbs? Sure, why not. You may need to make this recipe 2-3 times in order to get the amount just right, and even then you’ll fu@k it up at least 1 out of 10 times going forward. That’s cooking, cupcake.
6. Organizational tip for the pseudo-adults: before you mix the ingredients together, set up a baking pan nearby the mixing bowl and spray it with a thin layer of olive oil. You are going to mix everything together with your hands and immediately roll the meatballs. You don’t want to have to wash your hands a bunch because you can’t be bothered to think ahead. Or maybe spreading a raw beef mix all around your kitchen is your thing. Have at it.
7. Mix all of this sh!t together with your hands. Really go off, get rough with it. This is a great chance to work out some of that pent up aggression from feeling under-appreciated by the very dip$hits who depend on you for survival.
8. Once all of this crap is mixed together you roll pieces of the meat mix into balls (“meatballs”) and then put them on the pan. I can’t believe I have to spell this out for you.
As you can see above I rolled up 11 meatballs. Just so you don’t piss your pants I’ll say you should have 10 to 12 meatballs when done.
9. Jesus, I’m getting tired of typing this up. Put the pan in the oven. Cook them for 25 minutes. They look something like this when done:
Put them in a bowl of spaghetti and sauce.
Make a meatball sub.
Eat them cold in front of your open fridge at 11:30 pm when there’s nobody around to hold you accountable to your restricted calorie diet (Ted was right about you).
Good luck.
-MG
